In Greek, the word we translate as “forgive” is aphiami, which means “to let go.” When we struggle with forgiving, a good question to ask is, “What am I holding on to?” Our Lord knows that our human tendency is to hold a grudge against a person who has wrongfully hurt us. The key to forgiving is letting go. Holding a grudge is like holding acid in our bare hands — it hurts! Forgiving is letting it go.

In another metaphor, forgiving is like letting go of a rope in a tug of war. Once you let it go, the war is over. Keep tugging and the war continues. Our inner peace begins when we let it go.

A third powerful metaphor is to bury the hatchet. If we have an ax to grind, to make it sharp to use in retaliation and revenge, we know deep down in our hearts that an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth just makes us all blind and toothless! So, letting go of the ax and burying it helps us picture in our minds what it means to forgive.

Jesus said very emphatically, “Whenever you pray, and you have anything against another, forgive ….” (Mark 11:25) And finally, Jesus concluded his teaching about forgiveness by saying, “… forgive from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35)

The implications are enormously transforming: Forgiveness happens primarily inside the person who does it. It starts from our hearts. The power to forgive comes to us through prayer. God knows we need help. So he gives us the privilege of asking him for this healing gift. We can actually forgive a person during our prayer time!

Forgiving begins the healing of inner wounds inflicted by other people’s wrongs and provides for the release of painful resentments and the desire for revenge. Prayerfully, the first step is to let go of the grudge.

This healing brings an inner peace and freedom of not having our lives defined by the suffering endured in any wrongful harm. This changes the way we think, feel and act. Our attitude is transformed through the healing that only forgiveness can provide. We then greatly increase our ability to thrive and live with joy and excitement! Without forgiving, we self-inflict more pain by holding onto the bitterness. To forgive someone sets us free!

Forgiving is a decision we make on our own behalf. It does not depend on the offender ever confessing or apologizing. We can forgive unilaterally and unconditionally. For example, we can finally forgive a person for a wrong committed years ago, even if that person has died. In some situations we can forgive without saying “I forgive you” to the person, and without hearing the person say, “I am sorry.” As Jesus taught, we can forgive a person during prayer.

Forgiving may or may not lead to reconciliation. That depends on the corrective steps taken by the offender. And if we are the offender? Then we know we need forgiveness: We confess. Accept blame and responsibility. Apologize with remorse for the offense. Do our best to right the wrong through restitution. Take corrective measures to not repeat the offense by choosing the high road.

How do we forgive? 1. Acknowledge the hurt. 2. Ask God for help. 3. Rightly blame the person who did it, so you know who to forgive. 4. See that person as a human being, not a monster. 5. Release any bitter resentment and desire for revenge. (Stop rehearsing your reprisal effort to get even—no one ever gets “even.”) 6. Let the healing start. 7. Change your attitude. (Stop the brooding reenactment of the offense in your mind.) 8. Tell God you are thankful for his gift of healing. 9. As appropriate, tell the person that you have forgiven him/her.

A reflection on the Lord’s Prayer shows that Jesus links prayer and forgiveness. He teaches us to actually forgive others while we pray. Our power to forgive comes from God. A candid conversation with God about the hurts and harm we have suffered helps us accomplish something very powerful: Letting go and healing. We move from victim to victor, from bitter to better, as we pray. The result is that forgiving helps us become a hero instead of a victim in the story we tell. Forgiving is using God’s gift of grace in the healing of wounds we don’t deserve.

Because life is filled with so many joys and hurts, we may need to forgive as often as we say the Lord’s Prayer, and as often as we are aware that we need daily bread.

Rev. Ray Moore is Pastor of Congregational Care at UPC.  This article is from the September/October 2007 issue of the UPC Times.